If you are reading this article it is because your husband is struggling with procrastination and you are struggling with your husband. Procrastination is destructive. It hurts; marriages, romance, careers, dreams and goals. When your husband procrastinates it can be down right frustrating. So as a wife how do you communicate the issues without nagging and creating a new problems all together? It is easy to get stuck in the harmful cycle of problem vs. poor communication skills. Then there are those who communicate but no matter how they handle the issue the problem continues. Googling ways to deal with these sensitive topic is great because that means you are willing to compromise in order to find a solution. I have been married for five years and like they say opposites attract. My hubby and I are total opposites. In many ways it is a blessing to be different because what you lack your partner makes up for but in other ways it can damage your relationship. So ladies lets try and tackle this.
There is a difference between communication and manipulation.
What you? Oh never. All joking aside. It can be tempting to try and reverse psychology your spouse into accomplishing tasks. You will only aggravate yourself and irritate your partner. You can’t use psychology to change someone else’s bad habit. Manipulation is not only ineffective but it is actually disrespectful. As tempting as it is to try this technique, don’t open Pandora’s Box. Manipulation is a gateway to other destructive practices that will mutilate your relationship. Once you start to talk to your spouse in this fashion it creates mistrust and justified anger.
However the line between between the two can be fuzzy. It is always a good idea to try to think of how you phrase your sentences in an effort to not provoke your husband. Just keep in mind that if the intention of your heart is to “out smart him” than you have crossed the fuzzy line right into the war zone.
Beware of offering “favors” in exchange for good behavior.
This is a Christian based blog and we usually shy away from the topic of sex but we are all married here, so lets talk about it. As a woman it can seem like a bullet proof plan to offer favors to help motivate your husband to comply but sometimes it HURTS. When you have a husband that procrastinates it can kill the romance because you feel disrespected and sometimes alone. Now what happens when you offer sex and it isn’t enough motivation? It can make you angry, sad and shut you down. When you set up this type of arrangement and your husband doesn’t follow through you take it as a personal attack. Your head can explode with all kinds of questions like;
-Does he still want me?
-Am I not good enough?
-Is he not satisfied?
-Is he losing interest?
-Is he board with our sex life?
Trying this method of motivation will most likely just send a crack through the foundation of your already stressed relationship. Lets be honest when you are married to someone who procrastinates it is stressful. Depending on the degree of the habit you could end up shouldering most if not all of the major responsibilities. If on top of this you begin to get signals that you are not wanted, it could destroy your marriage. BEWARE!
Don’t shoulder your spouses responsibility just because you need “it” done.
It is easy to enable a procrastinator by taking on there responsibilities to get things accomplished. It is a common for wives to say “If I don’t do it than it won’t get done.” When you embrace this type of attitude you begin to accept the behavior and send mixed signals to your husband. If you ask him to do something and than do it when he fails to you will create a pattern that will become your routine.
Let him know you NEED him.
-Let him know you need him. Men feel respected when they feel needed. By expressing that you don’t want but need something done it makes it feel urgent without coming across demanding.
-In two sentences or less try and explain calmly why you need it done. (What you have to say is important and I’m not telling you to be short because you are a woman. I’m suggesting you keep it simple because he is going to hear you better if you don’t over-complicate the situation. When you read a laundry list of reasons why it is urgent he will feel attacked.)
Example: Would you please take out the trash for me. I need it empty so I can clean the kitchen and come watch TV with you.
–If he ignores you give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is spaced out or didn’t hear you. Walk over to him and put your hand on his shoulder lovingly.
Example: Hey honey I’m not sure if you heard me but would you please take out the trash for me. I need it empty so I can clean the kitchen and come watch TV with you.
Not everything is going to work for everyone. However everyone wants to feel needed and lets face it if you are reading this it’s because you do need him. Don’t be afraid to admit it. If you approach the situation complaining about how he doesn’t help you it will just shut him down. If you want to have a loving relationship you need to handle it with love. Building intimacy isn’t just when everything is going great but most of the raw good stuff happens when things are rough. Loving someone requires action it isn’t a warm fuzzy feeling that consumes you everyday of your marriage.
“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21 NIV
You rock at communication but my husband doesn’t change, now what?
It isn’t your job to change your husband, it your job to love him. Only God can change him. Also lets be realistic for a moment. Procrastination is a habit, it is not a persons identity. It is not only perfectly acceptable to love someone when they aren’t perfect but its kind of required. I am not down playing the how their bad habit directly effects you nor am I advocating this behavior. You should continue to communicate your need for their involvement and set healthy boundaries. What I am suggesting is that while God works with them, love them. Pray for them daily! Continue to treat them with respect and love. Being angry and mean isn’t going to solve your problem, it will only create new ones.
” Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 NIV
Did I get it wrong?
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Written By: Cher B.